Ambien. No doubt about it.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
