Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
