Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
