I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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