im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
