i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
