She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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