no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
there's paper in my vomit.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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