I faked an abortion last night.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
