Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
