I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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