there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
