Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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