just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
