Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Mom said you looked used
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
