Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
