went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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