This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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