Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
