id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
