Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
