he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
