theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
