Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
