it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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