I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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