When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
