I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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