Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
