If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
