I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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