I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
