It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
