Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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