i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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