Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
