Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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