Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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