It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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