I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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