can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
