nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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