we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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