you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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