I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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