omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
