I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
