She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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