Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
