you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
