1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
