Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
now i know why i became what i already was.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
